FIGHT CLUB: THE MUSICAL
A musical sketch by Carrie Dahlby and the great Luke Ski
Based on the book / film “Fight Club”
© 2007 Carrie Dahlby & Luke Sienkowski
(timpani roll)
Announcer: And
now, the toe-tappin’est, bone-crunchingest show to hit Broadway since “Saving
Private Chorus Line”, it’s “Fight Club: The Musical!” You have front row seats
for this theatre of mass destruction.
It’s the all singing, all dancing, crap of the world!
(fanfare)
(opening sound effect)
Jack: People are
always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.
Tyler:
This is it. Ground Zero.
Jack: With a gun
barrel between your teeth, you can’t sing harmony parts.
[BOB HAS BITCH TITS –
Frère Jacques]
Jack: I’m not
sleeping, I’m not sleeping.
I can’t cry, I can’t cry.
I go to support groups, Multiple
support groups.
Though I’m fine, though I’m fine.
Bob has bitch tits, Bob has bitch
tits.
Estrogen, estrogen.
They cut off his testes, they cut
off his testes.
We’re still men, we’re still men.
(sung in a round:)
Jack:
Tyler:
I’m not sleeping, I’m not sleeping.
I can’t cry, I can’t cry.
Bob
has bitch tits, Bob has bitch tits.
I go to support groups, Multiple support groups. Estrogen, estrogen.
Though I’m fine, though I’m fine.
They cut off his testes, they
cut off his testes.
We’re
still men, we’re still men.
Jack: This chick
Marla Singer did not have testicular cancer. Her lie reflected my lie.
[HUMAN WASTE –
original]
Marla: I am an
infectious piece of human waste.
You should name a tumor after me.
I blow
my cigarette smoke right in your face.
Pissed
off by your dual personality.
(exhaling cigarette
smoke sound)
[IKEA – Hello Muddah,
Hello Faddah]
Jack: I bought my
stuff, at Ikea.
Yin-Yang
table? Great idea!
The
things I owned, used to own me.
(explosion sound)
Until Tyler blew it all up and
set me free.
Tyler: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Jack: What?
Tyler: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Jack: Let us tell
you a little about Tyler Durden.
[TYLER’S FAVORITE THINGS – My Favorite Things]
Marla: Peeing in
soup and farting on crème brûlée.
Splicing
a frame of porn in a kid’s movie.
Having
sex with me that’s quite amazing.
These
are a few of Tyler’s
favorite things.
[I WANT YOU TO HIT ME
AS HARD AS YOU CAN – original]
Tyler: I want you to hit me as hard as you can!
Jack: What are
you crazy? This is stupid, man!
(punch sound)
Tyler: Ow, you hit me in the ear!
(different punch
sound)
Jack: Hit me
again!
(two person fight
sound)
Random Guy: Can
I be next?
Tyler: All right, man. Lose the tie.
[FIGHT CLUB –
original]
Tyler, Jack, the Marlettes: And
that’s how we started Fight Club!
This ain’t no
fru-fru girly night club!
And so you better
get it right, bub!
Here are the
rules of Fight Club!
Awwwww…
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
ONE!
Tyler:
You
do not talk about Fight Club.
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
TWO!
Tyler:
You DO NOT
TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
THREE!
Tyler:
If someone
yells stop, goes limp, the fight is over.
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
FOUR!
Tyler:
Only two
guys to a fight.
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
FIVE!
Tyler:
One fight
at a time, guys.
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
SIX!
Tyler:
No shirts,
no shoes.
Random Bruce: There
is no rule six!
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
SEVEN!
Tyler:
Fights
will go on as long as they have to.
Jack & The Marlettes: RULE
EIGHT!
Tyler:
If it’s
your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight!
Jack:
If
it’s your first night, you have to fight!
If it’s your
first night, you have to fight!
Jack & Tyler:
If
it’s your first night, you have to fight!
If it’s your first night, you have
to fight!
Jack, Tyler, the Marlettes: (Awwwww…)
If it’s your
first night, you have to fight!
(…wwwww!)
If it’s your
first night, you have to fight!
FIGHT CLUB!
Jack: I am Jack’s
unexplained rash.
Tyler: To make soap, first we must render fat.
[HUMAN FAT – original]
Jack & Tyler: Human
fat, sucked from rich women’s asses.
We
use to make our soap, and sometimes soup for supper.
Jack: Why was
Tyler Durden building an army? In Tyler
we trusted.
P.M. Guy 3: We were on assignment, operation
Latte Thunder. It went smooth until, they shot Bob.
[HIS NAME IS ROBERT
PAULSON – Pico & Sepulveda]
P.M. Guy 1:
His name is Robert Paulson.
P.M. Guy 2:
His name is Robert Paulson.
P.M. Guy 1:
His
name is Robert Paulson!
P.M. Guys 1&2: His
name is Robert Paulson!
(conga beat kicks in)
P.M. Guys 1,2,&3: His
name is Robert Paulson!
P.M. Guys 1,2,3,&4: His
name is Robert Paulson!
His name is
Robert Paulson!
His name is
Robert Paulson!
(key change)
His name is Robert
Paulson!
His name is
Robert Paulson!
(continues to repeat
behind following Tyler’s
lyrics eight times:)
Tyler: Project Mayhem,
We’ll slay them
Corporate slave
men’s
Credit!
P.M. Guys 3&4: Card
debt!
Bartender: Welcome
back, sir.
Jack:
Do
you know me? Wait, who do you think I am?
Bartender: You’re
Mister Durden.
[I’M INSIDE – Side By Side]
Tyler: I’m the one who is setting
your mind free.
Jack:
No,
you’re the psycho in my psyche.
I’m
astonished to find.
Tyler: Yes! I’m in your mind!
I’m
inside!
Jack:
All
this time, you were touring the nation.
It
was me doing self-mutilation.
Just
get out of my head!
Tyler: No!
Jack:
Soon
you’ll be dead!
Tyler & Jack: Iiii’m,
iiiin-, siiiide!
(sound of gun shot)
[WHERE DID THOSE TALL
SKYSCRAPERS GO? – Where Is My Mind?]
(sound of explosions)
Jack & Marla: Where
did those tall skyscrapers go? Where did they go?
Where did those
tall skyscrapers go? Where did they go?
Announcer: Be
sure to come back out to our next blood soaked musical extravaganzas, “Beauty
And The Furious”, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre of La Mancha”, and “Natural Born Misérables”!
(fades out, the end)