Just Mister Londo

A parody of David Lee Roth’s version of “Just A Gigolo” (originally by Louis Prima), about the character Londo Mollari from the sci-fi TV show “Babylon 5”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski

Opening Scene:

[SFX: Ambient restaurant noise]

Vir: Londo?... Londo?... Londo?... Oh! There you are. I brought the Spoo you asked for, aged just how you like it.

Londo: Bah. Take it away. That’s not what I really want.

Vir: Well, what do you want?

Londo: I want my friends back, Vir. Everybody sees me as some kind of monster now. It doesn’t matter if I’m Ambassador, Planetary Security Advisor, Prime Minister, or even Emperor Mollari. To them, now, I’m just Mister Londo.

Vir: Just Mister Londo?

Londo: Yes, just Mister Londo.

I’m just Mister Londo, and on the Zocalo,
People know the part I am playing.
Gambling all my credits, girls who like my status,
In my bed they’re staying.
In the Grand Old Days, I was decadent in ways
That would disgrace a pastor.
But today here I know,
I am just Mister Londo,
The fan-haired Ambass’dor.

[spoken:] Back me up, Vir.

I’m just Mister Londo, and I found out back at home,
Cartagia’s brain was a mess.
I had to make him dead, ‘cause I’d rather be ahead
In the polls than on his desk.
In the future far, when I’m strangled by G’Kar, *gack!*
What will they say about me?
When the end comes I know, 
I was just Mister Londo.
Life goes on without me.

IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Mollari. Yes, that’s me, Mollari. Mollari wants glory.
IIIII live for Centauri.
My Centauri, sweet Centauri.
Won’t some of my wives, have a drink with my mistress?
Have some Madeira, Adira!

On Babylon Five, I get sad and lonesome, all of the time.
All alone at home, watching what’s on ISN, yeah.

Zoot! Zootily-zootily-zoot! Zooty-Zoot!

IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Mollari, drinks heavily, til my Drakh keeper passes out. Hey Vir!

Londo: You know what else perplexes me? How come there are dozens of comedy song parodies about Star Trek and Star Wars, but next to none about Babylon Five? I mean really? It’s been fifteen years and there aren’t even a whole album’s worth of tracks yet. Someone by now could have done a song about how we saved Centauri and freed the Narn, to the tune by Adam’s Sandler, “Peace with G’Kar! I’m making peace with G’Kar!”
Vir: Or a parody of the Beach Boys “Kokomo” about the “Zocalo”!
Londo: Yes, exactly! Or there could have been an original reggae song called “Smokin’ Refa”!
Vir: Smokin’ Refa was Morden I could handle!
Londo: Ah! Refa and Morden! Very funny Vir! But still, no songs, and no friends! I’m all alone! All by myself! There is no one here beside me! I want my friends back!

Sheridan, Marcus, G’Kar, Zack, Ivonova,
Franklin, Delenn, Garabaldi, and Kosh!

I-I-I-I-I’m Londo Mollari! IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Centauri! Minbari don’t like me. So sorry. So starry.
IIIII’m so sad and lonely, and buffoonish, and overweight. IIIII’m so sad and lonely.
Won’t someone from this station, please be a friend to me?
‘Cause I ain’t so bad.

This really gets old! It’s just so old, that’s it’s almost Jurasik!
Oh, what I need, what I really want and need,
Need a small, bald, pony-tailed, mama,
Great Maker! Ain’t got nobody, no friends at all! Kosh, help me out!

(Kosh in italics)

Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Sinclair! Sinclair.
Lennier! Lennier.
Dr. Franklin! Dr. Franklin.
Garabaldi! Garabaldi.
John Sheridan! John Sheridan.
Susan Ivonova! Susan Ivonova.
Delenn and Marcus! Delenn and Marcus.
Zack and Lyta! Zack and Lyta.
And of course G’Kar! You forgot Lockley and Talia.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody gives a damn about me.

Bo-dilly-bop bid-del-lee-yo do-bop, do-waaaaaah!!! Yeah!!!

Closing scene:

[SFX: Ambient restaurant noise]

Do you feel better now, Londo?
I do, thank you Vir. Say, bring me some of that Earth delicacy. What do the humans call it?
Yes! Bring me some of that!
Right away, Londo.
Bacon is tasty and delicious. Much better than Spoo…