Quark’s New Merchandising Enterprise (solo version)

A stand-up piece about the “Star Trek” universe, set at Quark’s on Deep Space Nine.
Written by the great Luke Ski
© 2006 Luke Sienkowski
 
(Previous track: “One Night In Quark’s Bar”. Applause, I assume)
 
Quark:  Thank you, thank you very much everyone!  And don’t forget to tip the wait staff, because 20% of that goes straight to me!  And be sure to order more drinks, because the more you drink, the funnier this gets.
 
I’d like to thank you all for coming out to Quark’s Bar and Restaurant.  You may notice that Odo is not here tonight, thank the blessed exchequer.  He was supposed to fly out here with me, but ironically, Odo was detained by security, because they wouldn’t allow any gelatinous liquids on the plane…  I was like, see ya later, Clayface! 
 
So, since I don’t have to worry about following Starfleet’s arbitrary targ-crap rules, I wanted to let you all about some new products I smuggled, I mean, imported, onto the station to sell you all of you people who spend your lives traveling the galaxy.  I call it “Star Trek” merchandise!  Catchy, isn’t it?  So if any of you happen to have any latinum left after all the gambling you’re going to do here, you might want to pick a few of these items up.
 
We have three new holosuite movies.  The first one is the story of a simple young boy who grows up in Alabama, joins the Marines, becomes a shrimp boat captain, meets the President, and becomes the chief medical officer on the starship Enterprise. Its called “DeForrest Gump”.  (In McCoy voice:) “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a box of chocolates!” (back to normal:)  Next we have a children’s film, a computer animated retelling of the famous “Search for Spock”.  Its called “Finding Nimoy”.  Well if you don’t like that one, you won’t like “Citizen Koenig” either. 
 
If you’re hungry, we’ll be selling hamburgers from the Delta quadrant’s most popular chain of fast-food restaurants, “Borger King”!  Their way right away, because your way is futile!  You should try their newest sandwich, “Chicken McFadden”!  That’s a boneless chicken breast, or you can get “Chicken McCoy”, if you like ‘bones’. And for a side dish, enjoy some bagels and Phlox, and you wash it all down with an “Orange Julian”!  Available in 20 ounces, or in the one ‘Leeta’ size!
 
Want something a little stronger to drink?  Well then try “Cardassian Lite Beer”! Now in the new handy four-pack!  So you too can hold your Cardassian Lite Four-Pack aloft and say (In Picard voice:) “THERE ARE FOUR LITES!!!” (back to normal:)
 
When you’re done eating and you want to keep those leftovers fresh, straight from Andoria, we have “Shran-Wrap”!  And where did I pick up the Shran-Wrap? From your friendly neighborhood Klingon discount grocery store, “Wal-Martok!”  (In Klingon voice:) Wal-Martok, where our prices have much honor! (back to normal:) Yes, Wal-Martok, the company who destroys locally owned small businesses by literally slaughtering the competition!  Also available from Wal-Martok, if you need all the power in the continuum to clean your ears out, and I know I do, then you need “Q-Tips”!  You’ll never find a better cotton swab across all time, space, dimension, and fictional realities.
 
I can sense some of you are getting cranky, and I know exactly why, it’s because you didn’t have a healthy breakfast!  Well I got a whole slue of cereals for you to choose from!  First of all, if you want to be the Commander of your day, start it off with “Jonathan Flakes”! Don’t forget, in Jonathan Flakes, you get a free Troi in every box! Yes, and remember, “Jonathan Flakes” has a full day’s supplement of fiber, so you can be Number One when you go Number tw-, nevermind, uh. “Jonathan Flakes”, from the makers of “Picard-Ohs”!  Yes, you’ll love our marshmallow bald-heads in every spoonful!  And be sure to try “Wil Wheaties”, a blogging part of your nutritious breakfast.  There is one more cereal, it’s called “Wookiee Crisp”.  But even I can’t recommend it, it went stale in transit.  Apparently it was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
 
There’s also new service we’re offering to those of you staying here for several days with your whole extended family.  If your children are being watched by their grandmother, we’ll send someone over to keep her company.  It’s called “Nana Visitor”.  And finally, speaking of the kids, we have a new beige colored plush doll that giggles gruffly when you squeeze it.  That’s right, it’s the “Tickle-Me Odo”.  (Odo voice: laughing repeatedly, then back to normal)  Your kids are just going to go crazy for it!  It’ll be on every child’s present list for Christmas, Bajoran Peace Festival, and Klingon Rite-Of-Passage Rituals! (take a small bow, hopefully applause will happen)