One Night In Quark’s Bar
A parody of “One Night In Bangkok” by Murray Head, about the character Quark and his bar on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2006 Luke Sienkowski


(“Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” Theme intro)

QUARK:
Terok Nor was the station,
‘Til the Bajorans won and called the Federation.
Now pajama-clad Terrans run fluent on a show
With everything but Patrick Stewart.

I tell you all these bald-headed hu-mons look the same to me.

Deep Space Nine. Hard to make a living
Since the Cardassians split, it’s effected my grifting.
Starfleet’s watching, all I can do
Is hike up the prices at my cantina venue.

Now there’s Hu-mons, and the Klingons, and Romulans, all drinking at my place!  Cha-ching!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and your credit’s platinum.
This bar’s a temple of the Ferengi.
They’ll free your wallet of your gold pressed latinum.
The Dabo wheel is open, first spin’s free.
I can feel a changeling sliding up to me.




QUARK:
Odo’s really not my buddy.
The security chief made out of silly putty.

STAFF:
He’s a chair, he’s a glass, he’s an action figure doll.
Just once why can’t he be, the dartboard on the wall?

ODO:  Quark!

QUARK:
Whaddya mean? I got those scripts from J. Michael Strazinsky’s trash legally!

STAFF:
Dabo girls, like to flirt.
Serving synth-ohol up, while you’re losing your red shirt.

RED SHIRT:
Gah!

QUARK:
Many say I remind them of the guy
Who’s the Principal down at Sunnydale High.

You kids better mind your manners!  Don’t make me get any snider than I already am!  Order up!  Hey!  Who ordered the steak?!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and you will not quibble.
Our holosuites chock with debauchery.
You’ll multiply just like a well-fed tribble,
Unless your race does it asexually.
In that case, it will cost you an extra fee.
(Bridge: Quark tells jokes while the customers listen and react.)

QUARK:
Hey everybody!

(customers stop murmuring and listen)

QUARK:  
What piece of Starfleet equipment only costs 75 cents?
A Tri-Quarter!

(customers laugh)

QUARK:  
What do you call a Cardassian officer going around in circles?  
Gul Dusac!

(customers laugh)

QUARK:  
Who’s the funniest person in the Ferengi Military?  
Damon Wayans!  …Ah ha ha!

(customers laugh, and go back to murmuring)

(back to the song)









QUARK:
I am never too selective
When cadet’s gone wild, party’s their Prime Directive.
Hu-mons drinking Cabo Wabo,
Droppin' credits at the wheel, hoping to shout:

STAFF:  “DABO!”

QUARK:
Thank God I’m only watching the game, controlling it.

ODO:  What was that?!

QUARK:  Nothing!  More synthale, Constable?

I don’t see you outfoxing
The Vulcan girls who do my oomoxing.
Borg chicks are hot, you wish they’d date you,
But the queens they use would assimilate you.

So you better go back to your conventions, your autographs, your special edition collector DVD box sets!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and the woes that plague us
Will disappear fast as warp factor three.
Each customer is treated like the Nagus,
That is until they run out of money.
You’ll be washing dishes like your old Moogy.

One night in Quark’s bar like a pa-wraith specter,
You’ll leave depraved and broke, but so happy.
Hopefully Armin will be the director
Of some Ferengi “Deep Space Nine” movie.
Until then watch reruns now on Spike TV.