Sneaking
Snacks Into The
Cinema
An
original rap song about sneaking food into movie theatres.
Written
by Daniel P. of Flat 29, the great Luke Ski & Carrie Dahlby
DAN: There's nothing on the
radio or on the T.V.,
So
I'm going to the cinema to catch a movie
Starring
Pitt and Clooney as handsome spies,
With
Angelina Jolie and a load of other guys.
Called
up to see how much the tickets would be.
I
got in free by pretending to be an O.A.P..
When
I got there I was feeling hungry like Pac-Man,
So
I made a beeline for the snack stand.
CARRIE: Good afternoon I really
hope you are enjoying your stay.
My
name is Carrie. Can I get you any snacks today?
DAN: I'll have some popcorn in
a tub so big you need a ladder,
A
bucket of Coke double the size of my bladder,
And
this bag of pick-and-mix that I filled with Jelly Snakes.
CARRIE: Anything else? DAN:
Yeah, and have one for
yourself.
I'm
feeling pretty generous. So how much'll it be?
CARRIE: Well sir, that comes to
$48.50.
(ALL: NOOOO!!!) DAN:
WHAT? There's no way I can afford it.
And
if I would have thought it, I never would have bought it.
Better
cancel everything I've got so far.
Well,
I think I left my money in the car. (SFX:
car door shuts, drives away)
LUKE: Everything I do in life,
and I don't mean to be crude,
Comes down to practicality, sex, entertainment, and food.
And to me, the last two, they go hand in hand,
So at the movies I attack the frakkin' snack stand!
I order items off the menu in a kind of a blur
'Til I black out and then wake up and then find out what they were.
CARRIE: For the large pretzel
bites in
Take this saw and hand over an arm and a leg, please.
LUKE: Soon I starting to get
worried about going into debt.
CARRIE: The Whoppers cost a
testicle. LUKE: Which, the
right? CARRIE: No, the left.
And if you want the crunchy Nachos, either spicy or mild,
then simply hand over your family's first born male child.
LUKE: What the Hell? I just
came here to watch a cartoon mouse!
I shouldn't have to go and get a second mortgage on my house!
I'll surely miss the movie if the usher kicks my tail out,
So I asked Barack Obama for a federal bail-out.
(ALL: NOOOO!!!) DAN:
Hey Luke Ski, this is daylight robbery!
LUKE: Seriously! This is no way
to run A.M.C.!
So
Dan, my man, here's the plan, voila!
We're
gonna start – DAN & LUKE:
sneaking snacks into the cinema!
When
I want snacks at the movies,
I won't pay their extravagant fees.
Just can't afford it.
I'm being extorted.
I'll commit to a life of crime,
Buy a Twix at the five-and-dime,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.
LUKE: Popcorn at the movies is
the ultimate snack.
DAN: But if you buy it at the
supermarket in a multipack,
It's
just as nice, about a tenth of the price,
And
if you stick it in your bag no one will look at you twice.
LUKE: I bought oversized pants,
quadruple XL,
So
I can fill them up with cookies, and no one can tell,
Donuts
in my pocket, 'cause that's my style.
They
got me making Row C look like the bakery aisle!
DAN: I always keep a can of
soup in my hip flask, nobody asks.
I
stick it in my sock and walk straight past,
And
cover up my hands in cottage cheese,
And
tell securities that I've got a terrible disease.
LUKE: I've got a foot-long
hotdog, one in each sleeve.
DAN: Hey, be careful with the
ketchup, or we'll be asked to leave.
LUKE: And I need a disguise for
this bag of French fries.
DAN: Man, just tape them to
your face and leave a space for the eyes.
LUKE: I got a pint of Peri Peri
in a Holy Grail chalice,
Hidden
in a fuzzy soldier hat from Buckingham palace!
CARRIE: Hey! I see you two with
that food there! DAN: Wanna
share?
CARRIE: Sure, they don't pay me
enough to care!
When
I want snacks at the movies,
I won't pay their extravagant fees.
I'm feeling pensive.
They're so expensive.
The employees will never guess,
Buy some chips at Tesco Express,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.
DAN: I ate five Christmas hams
watching "Silence of the Lambs"!
LUKE: I ate some Vindaloo
watching "Iron Man 2"!
CARRIE: I ate sugar free gelato
while watching "
DAN: I ate some bruschetta
watching "V For Vendetta"!
LUKE: I ate a beef log watching
"Princess And The Frog"!
CARRIE: I ate a Jimmy John's
Porker watching "Rocky Horror"!
DAN: I ate a whole loaf a bread
watching "Dawn Of The Dead"
LUKE: I ate flan, on and on,
watching "Tron" and "Black Swan"!
When
I want snacks at the movies…
- DAN: I ate a planet of grapes while
watching "Planet Of The Apes"! -
When
I want snacks at the movies…
- LUKE: I ate seven strips of
bacon watching Kevin Bacon! -
Lock
me up, I have no regrets,
Long as I have my Raisinettes,
And I'll be sneaking snacks into the cinema.
LUKE: I ate a cheese soufflé
watching "Groundhog Day"!
DAN: And then I ate a cheese
soufflé watching "Groundhog Day"!
CARRIE: I ate a juicy peach
watching "The King's Speech"!
DAN: I could sneak in more food
if my leg was prosthetic.
LUKE: Want a Milk Dud? CARRIE:
No, dumb ass, I'm
diabetic!
ANNOUNCER
(Charlie): Ladies and
gents, our feature film today:
"The
Smurfs" 3-D directed by
LUKE: What the!?!
DAN: Oh thanks guys, is this
your idea?
LUKE: Whose idea was-?
CARRIE: Laaaame.
LUKE: Carrie! I am not gonna see
a chick flick directed by the biggest moron in