Transformers:
Revenge of the Filmin'
A sketch about the Transformers movie franchise.
Written by the great Luke Ski, "Randy Newman
Theme" bit by Paul & Storm
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski
Announcer: It is the year 2009. The
treacherous
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Kevin Smith
Dante: Did you know my girlfriend can Transform into
37 different things?
Randall:
In a row?
Dante: Who left this bong on the counter?
Randall:
You mean, 'who *is* this bong on the counter?'
Dante:
What?
[SFX:
Transform noise]
JayFire:
Transform and smoke out, TeleTran-svestites! JayFire and Silent Bot are
in the
house!
Dante:
Will you guys get out of here?
JayFire:
Not before we sell you some of our primo energon stash. Show 'em what
you got,
lunchbox!
[SFX:
Transform noise]
Randall:
Look at that, he actually transforms into a lunchbox.
Dante:
I
wasn't even supposed to transwarp here today!
JayFire:
Decepti-nooch!
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Martin Scorcese
[Italian
music plays
softly in background]
[Other
transformers
murmur and laugh as Wheelie tells his funny story:]
Wheelie:
So
we're out in this field talking to Jetfire, and he's drooling and
falling
apart, and he says he used to be a Decepticon, but now he's an Autobot.
And Spike
says,
Rat
Trap: His
name's Sam.
Wheelie:
Sam,
Spike, like I give a [beep]. Anyway, he says, wait a minute, you can
change
sides if you wanna? And he says yeah. So I go over to Mikaela, and I
say, hey,
I wanna be an Autobot! And I grab her leg and I start goin' at it, you
know?
Humpin' it like that [beep]in'
Rat
Trap: You're
really funny, Wheelie. You're really funny.
Wheelie:
What
do you mean I'm funny?
Rat
Trap: It's
funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
Wheelie:
What
do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Rat
Trap: It's
just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the
story
and everything.
Wheelie:
I'm
funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown car? I got a bunch of
grease-painted
humans comin' out of every door, hood, and trunk space I got? I amuse
you? I
make you laugh, I'm here to [beep]in' amuse you? What do you mean
funny, funny
how? How am I funny?
Rat
Trap: Just...
you know, how you tell the story, what?
Wheelie:
No,
no, I don't know, you said it. You said I'm funny. What am I, Herbie
Goes Bananas
over here? What am I, Speed Buggy? Why don't I paint myself orange and
speak in
rhymes all the time, I bet that'll be funny for about 5 seconds! How
the [beep]
am I funny, what the [beep] is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me
what's
funny!
Rat
Trap: [long pause] Get the [beep] out of here,
Wheelie!
Wheelie:
[everyone laughs] Ya mother[beep]er! I
almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Rumble, was
he shaking?
I wonder about you sometimes. You may fold under questioning.
Rat
Trap: Well
at least I'm not voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.
[stunned
"Oooohs!"]
Rumble:
Whoa! This kid's got a lotta [beep]in' wrecking balls! Hey Rat Trap,
this is for
you. You don't take no shit from nobody. Wheelie, you gonna let this
[beep]in'
punk get away with that? What's this world comin' to?
[SFX: 6
lazer blasts]
Rat
Trap: Aaaaaahh!
Wheelie:
There, that's what the world is comin' to! How do you like that? All
right?
Rumble:
What's the [beep]in' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what?
Wheelie,
I'm kidding with you. What are you, a sick [beep]in' maniac?
Wheelie:
How am I meant to know you're kidding? You breaking my [beep]in' balls?
Rumble:
I'm [beep]in' kidding with you! You [beep]in' shoot the guy?
Soundwave:
He's dead.
Wheelie:
Good shot. What do you want from me? [beep]in' rat anyway. He
Transforms into a
rat.
Rumble:
You stupid bastard, I can't [beep]in' believe you. Now, you're gonna
dig the [beep]in'
hole. You're gonna do it.
Wheelie:
Who the [beep] cares? I'll dig the [beep]in' hole. I don't give a
[beep]. What
is it, the first hole I dug? Where are the shovels?
Soundwave:
That was really messed up, man.
Wheelie:
Oh that means a lot, coming from an uncharismatic bore like you.
Rumble:
Nobody calls Soundwave uncrazamatic!
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Spike Lee
Mudflap:
This is combat, man! What's wrong with you?
Skids:
It's supposed to hurt, it's an ass kickin'.
Jazz:
Just
look at you two!
Mudflap:
Jazz!
Skids:
I
thought you were dead!
Jazz:
That's what they want you to believe. Can't you see, you've been had!
Skids:
Huh?
Jazz:
Hoodwinked!
Mudflap:
Whuzzuh?
Jazz:
Bamboozeled!
Skids:
Are
those words?
Jazz:
Led
astray!
Mudflap:
What's he talking about?
Jazz:
Run
amuck!
Skids:
Huh?
Jazz:
The
Autobots didn't land on Planet Earth! Planet Earth landed on us!
Mudflap:
Huh?
Jazz:
Well
don't you have anything to say for yourselves?
Skids:
Aren't
you the guy from that movie "Virtuosity"?
Jazz:
No.
Aren't you voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants?
Mudflap:
Ah! He got you, man!
Skids:
Shut
up, man!
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Pixar
Cybertron, Decepticons,
And Autobots that run on energon.
Lost a cube. Found by some rube.
Bumblebee sprayed John Turturo with lube.
Here comes Megatron, gonna scream and shout.
There's lots of humans characters no one cares about.
Nobody believed that they could win.
Go Optimus go!
You my friend.
Go Transformers go!
You got a reason to live.
Transform and roll out, Peter Cullen.
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Ed Wood
[SFX: Clip
of "Gobots"
Theme song]
[SFX:
Transformers TV
show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer:
Transformers, directed by Joss Whedon
Spike: Hey Bumblebee, how's it going?
Bumblebee:
[robogibberish]
Spike: You know, I've been through a lot since the
Transformers came to earth. I've met a lot of crazy robot characters.
But Bumblebee,
I think it's safe to say, you're my favorite character.
Bumblebee:
[robogibberish]
[SFX: A
meteor lands
on Bumblebee]
Spike: Oh my god! Bumblebee!
Optimus: Spike, what happened?
Spike:
It's
Sam, actually, uh… A meteor just fell from the sky and killed Bumblebee.
Optumus:
He
was a brave warrior, his gallantry will be missed.
Spike: With Bumblebee gone, I guess that mean's
you're my favorite character now, Optimus.
Optimus: Well, that's very nice of you to say, gaaaah!
[SFX:
lazer fire]
Spike: Oh my God! Optimus! No!
StarScream: Ha ha ha haaa! Hello, Spike!
Spike: It's Sam! You killed Optimus Prime!
StarScream: Yes, all the more securing me, StarScream, as
the true leader of the Decepticons! Now, puny human, bow to me! Say
that I'm
your favorite!
Spike: Why would you be my favorite?
StarScream: Well, on the new animated series I am voiced
by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.
Spike: Fair enough. Okay, you're my favorite
character!
StarScream: There you have it! Not even Megatron is as
exalted
as I, wha- Megatron?!
[SFX:
Megatron's gun
fires] [We hear many cars and jets arrive, and transforming noises, and
the
sounds of many transformers talking]
Spike: What the? Why does? Huh? What? All the
Autobots and Decepticons are here for an epic battle. Oh oh, I know, I
know! Hey
hey guess what? Everyone, guess what? You're all my favorites! I like
you all
equally! Eh? Eh?...
[SFX:
Transformers
murmur for a bit, and then all start spontaneously exploding]
Spike: No! Why are you all exploding?! Why is it
every time I decide who my favorite character is, the character
dies?!?! What
kind of a sadistic bastard would do this to someone?! This is no way to
run a
universe! Noooo! They're dead! They're all dead! No…
Arcee: It's okay, I'm here for you.
Spike: Arcee?! You're alive!
Arcee: Of course I'm alive. I'm a girl!
Spike: Wait, what?
Arcee: Would you like a treatment?
Spike: Yes, yes I would like a treatment.
Arcee: Very good, come along, Spike.
Spike: Yes, I am Spike. Was I my best?
Arcee: Yes, you were your best.
Announcer: Now you know.
[SFX: Clip of G.I.Joe:"And knowing is
half the battle! G.I. Joooee!"]